hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
