this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
