I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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