"it" just moved
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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