im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
