My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Someone shattered a urinal.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
