woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
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