I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
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