yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm both gender and math confused
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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