He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
