How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
