why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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