Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
