imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
