The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
