I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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