no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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