Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
