plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I touched a dick in church today
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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