Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
