I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
its liver damage thursday
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
