I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Randomize
