I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize