it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
