i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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