mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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