Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
