I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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