i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Randomize
