I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
