Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
