dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
