Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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