I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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