I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Randomize
