Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize