1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Randomize