brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
4 words: hood of his car
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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