I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
