I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
that is very illegal...i love you.
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