Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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