u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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