he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
