Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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