You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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