I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Randomize
