this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
