There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
