when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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