my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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