oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
