no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
