No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
