Cold hands, warm shart.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize