he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
