Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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