Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
