peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
