I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
