I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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