Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
