You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
