Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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