If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Randomize
